Farsi to Italian to English

I still don't feel close to English as I feel with Italian or Farsi. I'm not worried, since I had the same process going on with Italian during the first year after my arrival to Perugia. It is difficult though. I'm in this period now, as I was in Italy, that can't express myself in non of these three languages.

Farsi seems so distant when it comes to my academic life and I never could talk about the things I study in it. I have no human science backround in Farsi and was never an intellectual so I don't know the right linguistic register for the human sciences in Farsi. However, I can compliment (ta'arof), gossip and be a better public-sphere-conservative-pretender in Farsi!

Italian is the one I really miss. I studied in it for the last six years. I had/have good friends to whom I spoke in Italian about current important issues, be it personal or socio-political. I struggled with practical and bureaucratic issues in it. And, most of all, I learned to express my most intimate feelings in it. Italian is the language I feel mostly close to now. But I have to let it go, at least for now, the way I let go of Farsi and so was able to open up to Italian. It hurts but that's the only choice i have.

I've been speaking Italian these days - as a result of the holidays and different phone calls and emails to my friends in Italy - and I just found it so much easier to be, what I thought is, me. One's personality is very much connected to the language she speaks. The better you speak a language the closer you'll get to your true self. Hence, my personalities, in Farsi and in Italian, at least during the last two years, had gotten really close to each other. I could be what I wanted in both, even though in different ways.

In English I haven't yet found the way to be me. I don't know the context and don't know the impression my register gives. I don't have any judgments towards different registers, accents and use of words, so, I connect to my surrounding in the most immediate way of just finding the most basic words merely to make myself understood. There is yet no such thing as subtle choice between the synonyms for me. That is mainly why I feel distant from English. I have to love and hate, get angry and frustrated, be challenged and struggle, live in English to be me in it.

I knew the language part was going to be the most difficult part of the move, as I had experienced it another time and in a much more drastic way - I didn't speak any Italian when arrived in Italy. At least now I speak English - so I think! I never felt quite integrated and confident in Italy before being able to express myself in Italian. Maybe I'm too conscious about it but, that's how I am, so I guess that will happen with English too.
I'll wait and see...